Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
