I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize