i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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