I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
