I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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