My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
