I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
