just come out here and I will go home with you...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
