it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
