it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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