Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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