The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I pour the whiskey from now on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
