I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
