Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's blow job season.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
