somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In other news, I just burned my penis
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Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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