I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
