Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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