she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Randomize
