yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
