We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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