You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
