I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
