i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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