I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
