I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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