last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
