Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
