if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
