First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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