Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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