I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
