Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just had sex on a roof
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.