Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha