After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
