I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
