I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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