god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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