I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
