i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
