if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
