I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
