cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
