Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You smell like stripper and shame
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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