textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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