The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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