Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
