Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
