My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
