just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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