Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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