i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
