i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
