you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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