Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
