So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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