When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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