The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
