Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I fill condoms, not promises.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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