i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
